hmm again

Mother just told me off for not wanting to be alone with father. I’ve never wanted it. In the evenings when he has had a little more glasses of beer/whine than necessary. his humor gets if possible even worse and he either becomes or plays Very Very stupid. When mother is around he sortof turns this act into something fun… but alone its just pathetic and scary. It makes me worried and sad and thats why I dont want to be there. mother agreed with me on this til tonight it seems. She told me: (in english) “Dont do it so fucking obvious”.

I think its obvious why I dont want to be there. but I guess I am a freak for thinking so.
Am I just being silly?

I guess she could argue that I am more than willing to travel with him, well thats a totally different thing, then he doesnt even drink half as much alcohol.

I’ll make this entry friends only so she cant read it…
Please comment, tell me if I am being silly…
He doesnt get violent or anything like that at all, some people (like titan) thinks he’s …whats the word.. good company? “simpatico”–Nice… when he is like that. I really really dont. I prefer him without alcohol. And so I have told both him and mother but that didnt help a bit.
I dont see why she’s on his side this time when she’s never really been before.
David is online but Not There… A very rare thing… Ah now he came. He and his wise words,,, He’ll never know it so I’ll quote him..

he should be fun then he’s not to you because you his daugher but to others he probably a funny guy

thats what I’m saying

that the only time he feel relax from stress and the everyday world, don’t take that away from him, don’t be selfish, if your daddy in his 40’s more likely the way todays life goes , he have under ten years to live like me also so don’t take it away from him. The time he spend with his little girl is ending, soon she will be off on her own and away, for now you becoming a woman he know you getting older and he just want some fun time with you it hard to have fun when you’re older, it even hard to laugh, but sometime we men drink and for one moment we forget about all our problems. So stop crying like a little bitch and let your dad be happy when he drinking and start laughing at his jokes you aint gonna be there much longer soon you will be off and away in your own little world and then you will have to read stuff for them and pay their bills for them because they can’t write a check then you gonna cry all nite and say where was I , how can they get old that fast, I took them for granted because I thought they was gonna be smart forever but they just old people and when they die they die forever, it not like tv, you gonna talk  to them or they gonna come from the dead, dead, dead…………

He doesnt use many full stops but I think I got the message even tho the sentences grew long.

perhaps I needed a reality check. but my dad aint 40, he’s 60… and I’m still angry and sad.
its just alcoholism runs in both mothers and fathers family and some ppl argue its inherited. Mother has never gotten really drunk due to that but the more father drinks the more mother does. My grandfather probably died as a cause of his problem. It just worries me cause I dont want to loose them over something that could have been prevented,… Car-accident or a gunshot due to being at the wrong place at the wrong time is (probably also preventable but its) different because it just happens. alcoholism and killing yourself trough that is a slow and painful process…..
Dad admitted he was heading to that direction 3 yrs ago. since then he’s slowed down on the actual booze now its more or less only beer and whine. but I wonder if the amount of alcohol hasnt increased….

this + missing my friends + the coldness outside + the stress of my ToDo list makes me kinda depressed… But I’ll manage… May need a shoulder to cry on or a hand to hold but I will survive… Yep..

I’m ok. Dont worry. sorry for the huge entry…